Feelings

There are a lot of feelings and experiences my characters have over the course of the book. If you've read some of the other blog posts, you can probably infer some of them. There's pain for sure, lots of pain. Fear, excitement, worry, betrayal, concern, love, security, the list goes on and on. I've felt most of the things my characters have felt at one time or another. Granted, I've never been in the extreme circumstances they have been, but I can extrapolate.

I've been terrified that I was being followed (back in college...and I wasn't...but thought I was). I've lashed out and nearly punched someone when they startled me in the dark. I've worried about friends, planned major events, been betrayed, fallen in love, felt safe, and even felt pain so intense I thought I would die. (An HSG test would be an effective interrogation/torture method...I swear, I would have given up my deepest darkest secret to make that pain go away). Weirdly though, the one experience I've never had (in my adult memory) is waking up from anesthesia. I am quite surprised that this one experience is eluding me. I'm quite happy I've never had to experience it, but I have no idea how to write about it.

Could I work around it? Of course I could. I could just start the chapter with "She woke up in the hospital, alone and afraid." But I don't want to. Oh chances are I'll just put something simple like that in there eventually, but I'm sure I could describe it better. More than likely, I'll just try to describe being drunk. I think that's probably a close approximation and a feeling I have experienced. Regardless, I'm going to skip that paragraph for now and work on the rest of the chapter.

I'll end by saying that a couple of my friends will read this and say "Get over it and JUST WRITE!" Well, I will, don't worry about it. But this blog is a chance for me to get my feelings out. So that's exactly what I'm doing. :-)

Destruction of Strength

Well, it's done. I've completely destroyed my main character. Now I know, I've blogged about this before. I actually wrote the chapter that destroyed her months ago. Then I edited it. Made it more vile, more emotional. But last night, I gave it the final edits. I thought a lot about it. Sent it off to a trusted friend, thought about it some more. Now it's done. I have no desire to edit it again. Ever.

Now I get to start building the character back up again. This is the good part, the warm and fuzzy part. This is actually where I started writing the novel way back in October. The first chapter I wrote...the first line I wrote...is still pretty much intact (and damnit, it's going to stay that way). I love this chapter. It's not my favorite chapter in the book - that comes later. But it's a start on the character's reclamation of her strength, of her identity. She's a better person when this journey is through.

Oh...and I finally figured out how to fix Chapter 10 so I wasn't revealing that little plot twist I didn't want to reveal. I love it when a plan comes together!

Action!

I'm editing the second main action sequence in the book. This one is a bit more complicated than the first one because there are only five people involved and one of them is pretty badly injured. I've gone back and forth in my head many times over this chapter. The bad guys mostly need to live - so they can come back later and do more damage. The biggest problem I'm having is how to do that. I'd like to insert some tension, some interplay between our heroine and the baddest of the bad guys. It would be dramatic for her to have the opportunity to kill him but decide not to. It would also help the story out a bit later for reasons you'll have to read the book to find out. However, I'm having a hard time coming up with why she wouldn't just kill him. I have an idea, but it requires me to reveal something about the plotline I'm not quite ready to reveal yet. I need to move on, so I'm going to just go with it and let the ideas roll around in my head a bit to see if I can come up with something better to put in later.

-Struggling.

Fixing My Mistakes

Remember the Scarpetta phenomenon? Well, it has two parts. The first, I've already blogged about. The total degeneration of a strong character into a weak one. The second part is along the same thread. A smart character doing something so incredibly stupid all you want to do is slap them silly.

Well, I was almost guilty of part 2. Editing Chapter 8, I realized that I had my herione doing something incredibly stupid. I mean stupendously stupid. Stupider than stupid. One of those scenarios that if it had happened on TV, you'd be yelling at the TV saying "YOU IDIOT!"

So I'm not as close as I wanted to be to Chapter 9. I have to figure out a whole new way for the herione to get herself into this dangerous situation. Smartly. Now, if I only had access to twelve people and a parking garage to block the action out...any volunteers?

Bridging the Gap

FINALLY! I made it to the parts of the book I've already written! WHOO HOO! This is a big deal for me because now I just need to edit for about 10 chapters. Now I just need to get feedback on a few more chapters back from a couple of friends of mine. I feel like the book is going well. It makes sense. I'm adding bits and pieces of the mystery portion every day, inserting hints for the reader, trying to make them obscure enough that the reader will be at least a little surprised at the end.

So far I've only had one piece of feedback I wasn't really happy with. One of my friends asked if Emily and her partner got together by the end (romantically). I never even considered that. I realize why she asked it...so far her love interest has only shown up in about a paragraph. I had to set the story first. There was a lot of background information and a whole lot of the spy story that had to come out before Emily could really accept her love interest in her life. So I think I might go back into one of the earlier chapters and at least add a phone call from the love interest. That way he'll at least be a bit more present in the book before he makes his grand entrance.

So onto editing Chapter 8. If I can get through 8 tonight, I have Chapter 9 already edited. I can't express how good it feels to get this far!

Oh My

I told my mother tonight. My God, I told my mother. I've been worrying about telling her for months. I didn't want to tell her and then fail. Why did I do it? Well, she asked. I always told myself that if someone asked me flat out, I'd tell them. I don't need to lie about this, I'm making progress, the feedback I've gotten has been positive and constructive, the story is flowing, and it's getting easier - all of it. Accepting what I'm doing, managing how obsessive I am about this, balancing this, work, life. So I decided to just go ahead and tell her.

She didn't seem all that surprised. I'm not quite sure why not. Maybe she saw one of the days I was working on the book at home. I brought the tablet home a couple of times and worked on it, way back when. Maybe she just knew something was going on - you know, mother's intuition. Who knows. I don't care. She knows.

Today was a pretty decent day though. Told my mother and finished Chapter 6! Now I can get on to Chapter 7.

Slow but Steady

So I'm making progress on Chapter 6. Unfortunately, my full time job has been incredibly busy lately. Usually, it's possible for me to carve out at least twenty or thirty minutes during my lunch hour and jot some thoughts down either on paper or on the computer. On some lucky days, I can even spend the majority of my lunch hour writing. However, over the past few weeks, I haven't had ANY time to write except evenings and weekends.

Chapter 6 is very detailed. So was Chapter 5. That's why they have been so hard to write. Chapter 6 is almost all dialog. There are two main scenes, each with dialog between a couple of key characters. The biggest challenge has been how to keep the chapters interesting with all this dialog. After all, no one wants to read a passage like the following:

"Blah, blah, blah," he said.
"La De Da," she replied.
"Blah, blah, blah," he begged.

That's not very interesting. I've got to insert some action between the dialog or I'll lose the reader. I think I'm doing a decent job of it, although I could easily be wrong. The other challenge in Chapter 6 is that I'm trying to insert some hints as to what's coming in the later chapters. This is trickier. I can't just come out and tell the reader that X knows Y about Z and it's how X can W. I have to insert a subtle hint here and there. "X smiled at an old memory" or "the harsh tone she'd always hated crept into his voice", etc. Simply keeping track of all of these hints is exhausting. I've got a five page Word document with all of the different facts and figures I need.

Well, I've blogged long enough. I need to get back to working on Chapter 6. I hope I can finish it tonight.

I lied

So the Superbowl isn't all that interesting. Even the commercials are only OK. So rather than just sit here, lamenting the lack of action on the screen, I decided to go through Chapters 1-5 and incorporate some of the feedback I've received. It's been all good, constructive feedback and now that I'm through, I think the chapters are much stronger.

I really want to be able to put this down. Stop writing, stop editing, take a break. But I can't. Every time I do, I think of something to add, some twist I can use. I guess that's good. Although it's bordering on obsession. At least I'm not losing sleep over it.

Damn, just as I started actually working on Chapter 6, the game is starting to get interesting!

Chipping Away

I'm making very slow progress. So slow that it's practically maddening. A sentence here, maybe an entire paragraph if I'm really lucky. I'm editing, practically every day, as I think of better descriptions, stronger emotions, twists and turns to situations. However, Chapter 6 and Chapters 15-17 (or whatever numbers they end up being) are frustrating me. I can't quite get my head around them. I've got several problems.

1. I have a lot to say and well, the book is already probably too long. I need to get over this problem quickly. I can always cut later. In fact, even as I've been editing I've cut a sentence here, a paragraph there. I know I'll keep doing that as the editing goes on.
2. I'm worried that there's too little of the mystery elements in the middle chapters. Once Chapter 9 happens, there's not much mystery until Chapter 12. I fear that's too long. I have some ideas of how to fix that, but they haven't gelled enough yet. I shouldn't be worried about that while trying to work on Chapter 6, but I admit, it's distracting.
3. I'm just spent. As much as I hate to admit it, I need to take a few days off from writing. Mentally, it's exhausting. Physically, it's anything but. I'm spending too much of my time sitting on my ass on the couch instead of getting other crap done. I need to change that. Maybe if I run a couple miles or scour my kitchen sink, I'll figure out how to get Chapter 6 down on paper.

Today's Superbowl Sunday. I'm not a huge football fan, though I do enjoy the Superbowl. I'll try to take most of the afternoon off from writing, in the hopes that I'll be able to work out Chapter 6 in my head.

Rebuilding

Since I half-destroyed my heroine yesterday, I decided to rebuild her today. Or at least edit the chapters where I rebuild her. A funny thing happened as I was editing these chapters. I decided to make her even stronger. Somehow, dealing with that dark chapter yesterday, helped me to understand better how she'd need to recover.

The four or five chapters after the one I wrote yesterday are some of the most fulfilling chapters in the book for me. Someone she's known for years suddenly becomes instrumental in her life. I've already said this is a mystery/romance/thriller book so you've probably guessed that this is where the romance comes in. Well, as I've posted before, the romance is a pure, strong love that helps her get through her emotional crap and emerge stronger. To any women reading this post, you're probably wondering why I have her need a man to be able to heal. Well, she doesn't, not really. She'd heal on her own, would probably even end up just as strong as before, but it's easier with our hero at her side. The chapters are fulfilling because our heroine can show her weakness to our hero, but show her strength as well.

{tangent} This issue of strength and weakness is an important one for many women, especially those type A superwomen types. I'm one of those. When I go for something, I go all out. It's why I'm a little obsessed with the writing of this book. I couldn't do this (or much of anything) halfway. This is why I am where I am in my career. I see what I want, what I need, and I go for it. That's strength, determination. However, I've got that weak side too, I just don't let it out. There are days or hours where all I want in life is for someone to take care of me for a change. Unfortunately, strong women don't get that very often. We spend so much of our lives taking care of others and convincing others that we don't need to be taken care of, that those who care for us, don't think that we might need to be taken care of as well. {\tangent}

Ok, back to the chapters. I love these chapters because the heroine and the hero, who are both strong people individually, become stronger together. She makes him stronger every bit as much as he makes her stronger. Isn't that what love really is? Two people coming together who are better together than they are apart? It's heart warming.

The Scarpetta Phenomenon

Ok, so I said I wasn't writing tonight and I'm not. I'm blogging. There's a difference. Really.

As I was driving tonight, I realized why the scene I wrote today bothered me so much. It's still bothering me in fact. It's because in it, I basically half-destroyed my main character. I call it the Scarpetta phenomenon. I used to love the Kay Scarpetta books by Patricia Cornwall. The series starts with a strong, powerful, confident leading lady. She knew what she wanted and how to get it. She was smart, pretty, independent, strong. Unfortunately, for reasons unknown, over the course of about six books, she disintigrated into this sniveling, unsure, idiotic child who couldn't make a single decision for herself. I hated it. I stopped reading the books, sold the ones I already owned. It was maddening.

So I deserve to be flogged, right? Well, I hope not. See, while I may have half-destroyed Emily, I rebuild her steadily over the next four chapters. She's a strong, confident, kick-ass federal agent. She goes through some pretty severe emotional crap, but she comes through it stronger than ever before.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I'll get to why this shook me. I've spent a lot of time the past few months getting to know my characters. They mean something to me. Making my heroine go through what I made her go through was like ripping out the heart of a close friend. It was hard, painful, and an experience I wouldn't choose to repeat. But it's done, and while I know I'll have to edit that chapter again before too long, I know how it all turns out in the end and I can deal with it.

A dark side

I just spent my lunch hour editing/rewriting a really dark scene. It's one entire chapter of the book and it deals with some very dark themes. I won't go into a lot of detail, because that would spoil the suspense. Needless to say though, it's dark. Scary. Terrifying even.

I think the scene really works. It didn't for a while. When I re-read it last night, it just didn't fit. It was violent, but it was almost too violent. This is a romance/mystery/thriller book. There has to be violence in it somewhere and I can deal with that, but there's no reason to insert violence for violence's sake.

So today, I redid the scene. I took out some of the physical violence and added some psychological. It makes the scene better, more dramatic, more realistic, without adding any gore (in fact I took out the goriest of the details). At the same time, however, it really shook me inside. It took a lot out of me to write, and even more when I read it after I was done. I'm still shaky half an hour afterwards. I wonder how I can even write about this shit. What does that say about what's inside me? I'm basically a happy person. I've been lucky in my life to be blessed with good health, a wonderful family (also with good health), good friends, a good job, a house, etc. So how can I imagine a world or a scene with torture and write about it accurately? Well, some of it's TV, movies, books I've read. But doesn't some of it have to come from inside me? I think we all have a dark side. Most of us just either ignore it or at the very least, control it. I guess that's where this scene could come from. I'm happy (and yes, I know that sounds weird) that I could tap into that darkness and write this scene. I'm happier though, that I can put it back away now that I'm done.

Another worry - eventually, my family and friends are going to read this book. My mother and father will read it. What will they think? The herione comes from a horribly lonely childhood. I would hate for my parents to think there was something missing or wrong with my childhood that I'm projecting into the book. There wasn't. How will they react reading the scene I just finished? What about my friends? Will they be able to look at me the same way knowing I can write about something sadistic, violent, wretched? I can't really dwell on these worries too much. If I did, I wouldn't be able to finish the book. I have to finish the book. It's a compulsion. An obsession even. But not tonight. Tonight I'm done. I've exhausted my daily allotment of creativity and drained my emotions. I'll be back to my happy self by the time I leave work today. I have a relaxing evening to myself planned and I'll enjoy it. But I won't write. Won't even think about writing. I hope.

Bad Day Turned Around

I was having a crappy day today. Went to the doctor only to find out that I had to have a test done before the doctor would even see me (nothing serious), so I wasted the time for nothing and now have to schedule two more appointments (one for the test and one for the follow up appt). Then there were issues with high speed connectivity at the office. Then I missed an important conference call because of those issues. Then there were bugs out on the manufacturing floor with the computer programs. Then my boss comes bugging me about petty shit that really doesn't need to be bothered with when the routers are down the there are bugs on the floor.

But, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. In this case, the light turned out to be a friend of mine telling me that she loved Chapter 1. I gave her Chapters 1-4 yesterday and she didn't have time to read them all, but she thought Chapter 1 was really good. Again, I nearly cried. I had such a horrible day up to that point and once she told me she liked the chapter and it held her attention and flowed smoothly I nearly hugged her. I'm beaming now. I don't beam. Sure, I smile, but I don't beam.

Anyway, the best comment she made? "I had to stop and remind myself that I wasn't reading a real book." Of course I told her that it would be a real book some day, but you probably know what she meant. She thought it was good enough to actually be something she'd buy at the bookstore. YES!

Ok, for the next two hours I have to back to the land of bugs and bosses and missed conference calls and petty demands. But I can handle it now. I'm still beaming.

Sharing

I sent Chapters 1-4 to someone else last night. Again, I was on the edge of my seat, nerves raw, for the entire night, hoping she'd like them.

When I came in this morning, and she emailed me to tell me they were good, I was so relieved. I knew this would be hard - writing, but I never knew it would make me so shaky. I'm a strong person - always have been, but now I feel like part of my self-worth is inextricably tied to this book. If I send a chapter to someone, and they don't like it, will my self-confidence take too much of a hit? Possibly. Though so far, even when I've gotten negative feedback, I've been able to turn it around and make the book better.

I worry a little, that if I send the completed book off to publishers and get rejected, that I won't cope well with it. Despite my type A personality and outward self confidence, I'm really unsure of myself in a lot of situations. I just hide it well until I work through the uncertainty and feel confident again.

So back to the feedback I received, she's going to re-read it again and try to offer suggestions. I've been editing a bit the past few days and one thing I really need to work on is variety. I've noticed that I use certain words and phrases all the time. "Steady" is one of those words. It's all through the book. I probably have more instances of the word "steady" than I do of any other word except for maybe "the" or "and". It's almost comical. So I need to work on variety. I need to come up with better, more interesting, more varied ways of saying what I need to say. I also need to cut some of these instances altogether. Now that I'm aware of the problem though, hopefully I can work to fix it.

Whew. Getting positive feedback this morning really steadied me...no, reassured me...no, affirmed me, no...aw hell. It just felt good.